Review – Fifty Shades Freed

Dakota Johnson and Dumbface, sorry, Jamie Dornan, are back for the third and final (THANK THE FUCKING LORD!!) film in the Fifty Shades series, Fifty Shades Freed, far and away the worst of the series and in the running for the worst movie of the decade.

During the movie, my girlfriend, with whom I saw the movie with, asked me what time it was and I told her the movie had only been going on for a little over an hour.  She whisper-yelled, “That’s it?!” and sighed extremely loud and said, “This feels like it has been going on forever.”  She wasn’t lying.

Here’s the deal: This movie is awful.  I know that that is what was expected, but this is awful on a whole new level.  The first two films weren’t good either, but they weren’t insufferable.  Fifty Shades Freed has absolutely zero redeeming qualities to it.  It is a painful, torturous, never ending two hours filled with terrible performances, an irrelevant story, bland sex scenes, erratic editing, and an annoyingly pop-fueled soundtrack.

Do you guys even care about the plot?  Is there even a plot?  Anastasia (Johnson) and Christian (Dumbface) get married, have sex, fight, have sex, travel to lavish places and drive expensive cars, have sex, get pregnant (because, you know, that’s what happens when you have sex every 12 minutes), fight some more, have some more sex, then get caught up in a kidnapping thing from Anastasia’s old boss.  That’s about it.  Oh, and Christian plays the piano and sings a rendition of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, which is so weird and awkward and then that scene is followed by an Anastasia and Christian kitchen sex scene that involved a lot of ice cream.  My favorite frozen treat has forever been ruined for me.

Dakota Johnson and Dumbface have never had good chemistry and that doesn’t change here.  Both of their performances are dreadful, which is probably the peak of Dumbface’s acting, as he tries to be emotional but fails at every single one, even straight-face.  I can’t see him having much of a career after this series besides playing something like Soldier #3 in a war movie.  Johnson is topless for almost the entire movie and cries and, yeah.  Surprisingly, Johnson is a rather solid actress outside of this series, giving a charming performance in How to Be Single and giving a really good performance in Black Mass, so I think she’ll be fine after this.  Maybe.

Something that made me incredibly angry was that four-time Oscar nominee Danny Elfman, a Tim Burton regular and an overall great composer, did the score for this movie.  Funny enough, I barely heard a score at all in this movie.  The whole movie is scored to mediocre pop hits.  I’m happy Elfman got a paycheck and didn’t try to hard on this one, but it would have been nice to hear some of his music.

Here’s the most infuriating aspect of the Fifty Shades series in general, and this could go back to the book, which I have not read.  But my biggest problem is that the general character ideas of Anastasia and Christian are interesting.  They are both people who are sheltered, Anastasia personally and Christian emotionally, who both open up when they meet.  These two types of characters are interesting enough that there could be a good movie made about them or a good book written about them.  But instead, both characters are wildly under-developed due to the focus on all the sexual activity.

In the final moments of the movie, Anastasia is staring at Christian at the piano and is thinking back about their relationship, which allows the film to show us a montage of their relationship through the three movies.  For me, this montage was just a sad reminder that I wasted six hours of my life watching this trilogy.  I would rather eat twelve Big Macs and then immediately run a marathon than watch this trilogy ever again.  But it’s all over now and we won’t have to see Mr. or Mrs. Grey ever again.

Did you see Fifty Shades Freed?  What did you think?  Comment below or hit me up on Twitter and Instagram, @kevflix, or on Facebook by searching Kevflix.