Review – Fifty Shades Darker

Before going in to Fifty Shades Darker, I had only seen about twenty minutes of the first film, Fifty Shades of Grey (2015).  I turned the movie off because, well, it was awful.  I was fortunate enough to watch Grey at home, that way, I could turn it off or leave if I hated it.  Not so much luck with Darker, where I actually went to a theater, paid money, and sat in said theater for two hours and watched the whole thing all while contemplating how many Twizzlers it would take to make a noose so I could hang myself and end the torture that is the film.

Now you might be asking, “Kevin, why didn’t you leave if it was so bad?”  Well one, I was with somebody and didn’t want to be a dick.  And two, I’m a champ, or maybe a masochist, but either way, I don’t leave movies.  My motto is, “I see bad movies so you don’t have to.” and that requires sitting through absolute shit-shows like Fifty Shades Darker, which is easily the worst movie of 2017 and a film that is so bad that it warrants it’s own category.  For all bad movies I see in 2017, I will now ask the question, “It’s bad, but is it Fifty Shades bad?”  The answer will more than likely be, “No, not even close.”

I read that the writer of the Fifty Shades books, E.L. James, wrote much of the first book on her Blackberry.  This answers a lot of about the quality of characters, plot, dialog, and just overall development.  So, because of this, I am going to write a quick summary of the movie using emojis, with a few words mixed in.  I feel that if Miss James can write a book on a Blackberry, I can write a summary with emojis.

While Christian Grey💰💰 (played by a block of wood) struggles with his inner 👹 from his childhood, Anastasia 🙁🙁 (played by dumb face) tries to get over her jealousy of other 💁💁🏻💁🏿💁🏼 in 💰💰’s life before her.  During this, the two still 🍆🐱🌭😺🌽😸🍌😽🌶😻 with ⛓⚙🎀 and fall in ❤️.  They then get into a number of 👊🏻’s and that makes 🙁 and 💰 very 😢 and struggle to stay in ❤️.

There are no redeeming qualities to this movie at all.  The acting is horrendous, the actors have no chemistry at all, the plot is very basic and very boring, the side characters are horrible and useless, it has more plot holes unresolved issues that I’ve ever seen in a movie, and it wastes the talents of Oscar winners Marcia Gay Harden and Kim Basinger.  And, even with these issues, there could still be some slight joy over gratuitous, weird sex, but even those scenes is awful.  The entire movie is set up like a softcore porn you’d see on Cinemax at 2:00am on a Friday.  We get a whole bunch of terrible acting and terrible dialog, and then a sex scene set to some awful music.  The sex scenes themselves are incredibly lifeless, unsexy, and awfully cut.  And then, it is back to terrible dialog and acting, followed by more sex, and etc.

I absolutely hated this movie.  If I see a worse movie in 2017, I don’t know what I will do with myself.  I might hit someone or maybe make that Twizzler noose.  Until then, Fifty Shades Darker is the worst movie of 2017 and one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

MY RATING – 💩/4

Did you see Fifty Shades Darker?  Hopefully not, but if you did, what did you think?  Comment below or hit me up on Twitter and Instagram, @kevflix, or on Facebook by searching Kevflix.